High-maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend

Operation Truthiness
June 9, 2009, 10:09 pm
Filed under: diary

Today, Skylar and I staked out an old stomping ground that I’ve vowed never to step foot in again: The Coral Tree Cafe. It’s the place where my NEMESIS, “Estoye” and I used to meet up for lunch almost daily back when we were friends. It’s where we both first saw Annette: The girl that I fell in love with 5 years ago (before Karen). The girl Estoye stole from me before I got up the courage to talk to her. The girl Estoye went and married. I haven’t been within a mile of the Coral Tree Cafe since. How can I go back? Estoye and Annette practically live there, they love it so much.

Karen knows my hatred of the Coral Tree Cafe. So of course it’s where she would go for an illicit rendezvous, yes?

Yes, indeed. Skylar and I sat across the street at the Hamburger Hamlet, and I watched Karen with another man, eating lunch. At first I thought I might lose my mind. But then Skylar took my hand, and told me it was going to be okay. And you know what? It was okay.

Oh, and as if it wasn’t bad enough seeing Karen with another man, I had to watch Estoye and Annette canoodling at the table next to Karen. Funny, I never realized before how much Karen and Annette resemble each other. It was difficult communicating to Skylar which girl was Karen, and which was Annette, but we got it straightened out.

After lunch, Skylar tailed Karen and her paramour to find out more. I await the news.


Skylar’s bombshell
June 5, 2009, 5:55 pm
Filed under: diary

Wow. I just told Skylar about my fear of Karen having an affair. And Skylar confided to me that (C)ass, too, had been unfaithful. She told me how hard it is to move past it, how she and (C)asshole work on it everyday. Sometimes, she wishes she didn’t discover the lie. I asked her why she stayed with Ass… And she didn’t have an answer. 

She tells me that if I’m sure I want to know Karen’s secret, she’ll be my spy for me. Assuming Karen doesn’t recognize her. We’ll find out tomorrow, when Operation Truthiness goes into effect.

Karen’s Lies
June 3, 2009, 9:21 pm
Filed under: diary

I’m so hurt. And angry. The whole drive home, Karen pretended she was at Rejuvenations for the last two weeks, unaware that the Rejuvenations gift certificate that proved her a liar was in my pocket the whole time. For the first time, it seems I’m one step ahead of Karen. Now, it’s time for me to find out how far her lie goes. But I’m gonna need help. I’m gonna need…a spy. Looks like our double date will have to wait, Skylar.

Boy, good thing Skylar and Karen have never met. Well, there was that one time when Skylar delivered us a pizza. But according to Skylar, they never made eye contact. Weird: I could have sworn Karen was standing in the room at the time. Hello, brain? Is this thing on?

—-(video) Episode 8—-
May 22, 2009, 5:59 pm
Filed under: video


It doesn’t hurt when she walks all over him. Find more at: highmaintenanceimaginarygirlfriend.com

May 20, 2009, 6:48 pm
Filed under: diary

First off, I wasn’t being nosy. I wanted the apartment spotless for Karen’s homecoming, and I always empty Karen’s side of the closet to vacuum the carpet in there. She hates cob webs on her Manolo Blahniks.

But shoved in one of her shoeboxes, I found… the Rejuvenations gift certificate.

Where has Karen been the last two weeks? She couldn’t have gone to the spa without the certificate. I have to pick up Karen at the train station in 30 minutes. What do I say? What will she say?

Is she having… an affair?

Karen’s return
May 19, 2009, 5:19 pm
Filed under: diary

Karen’s coming home tomorrow from Rejuvenations. Finally, right? Skylar can’t wait to meet her. She keeps pestering to make a double date with her and (C)ass. Dr. Raleigh tells me to put aside my dislike of (C)ass for the sake of my new friendship with Skylar, but I’m no good at keeping secrets. That guy is a bully, always putting Skylar down in little ways. Why can’t she see him for what he is? And why would I want to subject Karen to his negativity?

Dr. Raleigh is pestering too: He keeps calling, insisting we talk before Karen gets home. But dammit, I’m busy. The apartment is a mess! If Karen sees it like this, she’ll flip. Honestly, can’t I have just one night with Karen to myself? I feel like the world is conspiring to take Karen away from me. I wonder if that’s how Cass feels about Skylar? Excuse me, (C)ass.

Karen called
May 12, 2009, 3:54 pm
Filed under: diary

She can be so infuriating sometimes. Does she ask about me? How I’m doing? No. She just asks if I’ve been watering the fern (Note: buying new fern today). I told her that of course I remembered to water her fern (Note: I didn’t, but she didn’t remind me to either), and of course she says she can tell I’m lying. How does she get inside my head like that? Luckily, I know her pretty well too, so I photographed the fern to duplicate the pattern of pebbles she placed on the soil to catch a switcheroo. Love really is knowing your other as well as yourself, I think.

Anyway, if she had asked about me, I would have told her about my new friend Skylar. But she didn’t ask, so I wasn’t in the mood to bring it up. No, I wasn’t AFRAID to bring it up. You’re not Karen: You don’t know me!