High-maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend

i hve no idea how i’m gonna explain this black eye to karen when she commes to pickme up. C(Ass) hit me when I toild him to  take his handoff of skylar.. Hee was so jealous (deserrves it, the cheater) to find just me nd skylar closing ddown thje el torito.   my sister and hker frienjds had left hours ago affter amy threwa fit bedcause i was salsadncing wit skylaar oh, skylar taught me the salsa! amy nd skylar will NOTT be facebok friends. catty!@! evidntly not enugh me to go rround. heh kidding. my sistr likes skylar tthoughbut she just about fell out of her chair whn skylar first arrived. shhe thought i made her up!!!!!!!!! wtf??????? i tol skylar therule when shegot to el torito: We shalll not speak of Karen tonight for she does not exist. heymaybe that’s why karen hasnt shown up yyet. she doesn’t exist!!!!!! heh kidding. where is she?? i’m sooo drunk. bet my eye hurts olny i dont know it yet. skylar felt so bad about C(Ass) hitting

wait a sec. did skylar kiss me??

I go over to my sister Hillary’s place to whine and mope. She knows from this blog about my trouble with Karen. But when I get there, Hillary insists that we go out for drinks instead of wallow. She drags me to El Torito for happy hour, and on the way, makes me promise that for tonight we pretend awful slutty Karen does not exist. We’ll go to the bar, have fun, and be available to possibility. I should have known Hillary was up to something.

We get to El Torito, and guess who else “just happens” to be there, but Hillary’s female coworkers, including Amy, the girl Hillary insists is perfect for me. Awkward! You may not realize this, but I don’t do well with this much estrogen. Women kind of terrify me, frankly. So I excused myself to go to the bathroom, where I’m sitting right now in the stall trying to figure out what to do.

I know what the old Joel would have done: Run back to Karen… But, at least for tonight, that Joel doesn’t exist either. I’m not gonna take it. ANYMOOOOOORE.

(Oh, but I’m definitely calling Skylar to join us. I need backup.)

“Yes, Karen, I forgot to water your fern while you were ‘at Rejuvenations’. Yes, agreed, it’s unforgivable, but it’s not as bad as LYING to you about it. So I confess, that fern in the bedroom is new. I bought it, and tried to pass it off as YOUR fern. But it’s not.”

“Boy it feels good not to lie. Care to try it, Karen? Care to confess anything? No?”

Needless to say, I lasted maybe twenty minutes back at the apartment listening to Karen lecture me about fern maintenance before I had to get out of there. It hurts to even see Karen right now.

“Oh, and where am I going, Karen? Well, since I’m not going to the zoo, let’s just say I’m going to the zoo.”

Boy, I wish I’d said that. Instead, I told her I’m going over to my Sister’s. Thank God my Sister hates Karen, or else Karen would have tried to tag along.

Since I don’t want it to be a lie, I am going to see my Sister. But I wonder… if Skylar wants to join us (please, be busy (C)ass).

“Do no harm.” Isn’t that the doctor mantra or something? Apparently, Dr. Raleigh left class that day to go punch patients in the face with a roll of quarters. I go to him in pain and confusion, hoping for… at least some understanding about Karen’s infidelity. Yet all of his questions seem to blame ME. Then he asks if Skylar was a catalyst. Was I afraid of what Skylar would think of Karen, should they meet face to face?

When I point out that Karen and Skylar DID meet face to face in the Borders Bookstore, he goes off the deep end, and tells me that’s not possible. Like Skylar would lie and make the whole thing up. Right.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. Next he tells me that Karen is in the other room, and invites her into our session to force a confrontation in his office. I fired him on the spot, reminded him of doctor/client privilege, and got Karen and myself out of there as fast as possible.

On the drive home, Karen asks what that was all about. I tell her that Dr. Raleigh is a con-man trying to create a new need for his services, when the truth was that we were cured.

Karen’s never looked happier.

Skylar just called: The jig was almost up. She had followed Karen and her paramour into Borders Books to get more dirt, but lost them in the Cookbooks section. Then–wham! She ran into Karen face to face turning the corner into Art History. 

Thankfully, Karen didn’t seem to recognize Skylar at all. Whew! My memory of Karen being in the room when Skylar delivered us a pizza was just my mind playing tricks on me.

After that Skylar got some juicy intel: Karen’s paramour is named “Dave”. Funny, that’s my NEMESIS Estoye’s first name. 

Karen and Dave’s purchase? The Kama Sutra. I think I need to talk to Dr. Raleigh.

Today, Skylar and I staked out an old stomping ground that I’ve vowed never to step foot in again: The Coral Tree Cafe. It’s the place where my NEMESIS, “Estoye” and I used to meet up for lunch almost daily back when we were friends. It’s where we both first saw Annette: The girl that I fell in love with 5 years ago (before Karen). The girl Estoye stole from me before I got up the courage to talk to her. The girl Estoye went and married. I haven’t been within a mile of the Coral Tree Cafe since. How can I go back? Estoye and Annette practically live there, they love it so much.

Karen knows my hatred of the Coral Tree Cafe. So of course it’s where she would go for an illicit rendezvous, yes?

Yes, indeed. Skylar and I sat across the street at the Hamburger Hamlet, and I watched Karen with another man, eating lunch. At first I thought I might lose my mind. But then Skylar took my hand, and told me it was going to be okay. And you know what? It was okay.

Oh, and as if it wasn’t bad enough seeing Karen with another man, I had to watch Estoye and Annette canoodling at the table next to Karen. Funny, I never realized before how much Karen and Annette resemble each other. It was difficult communicating to Skylar which girl was Karen, and which was Annette, but we got it straightened out.

After lunch, Skylar tailed Karen and her paramour to find out more. I await the news.

Wow. I just told Skylar about my fear of Karen having an affair. And Skylar confided to me that (C)ass, too, had been unfaithful. She told me how hard it is to move past it, how she and (C)asshole work on it everyday. Sometimes, she wishes she didn’t discover the lie. I asked her why she stayed with Ass… And she didn’t have an answer. 

She tells me that if I’m sure I want to know Karen’s secret, she’ll be my spy for me. Assuming Karen doesn’t recognize her. We’ll find out tomorrow, when Operation Truthiness goes into effect.

I’m so hurt. And angry. The whole drive home, Karen pretended she was at Rejuvenations for the last two weeks, unaware that the Rejuvenations gift certificate that proved her a liar was in my pocket the whole time. For the first time, it seems I’m one step ahead of Karen. Now, it’s time for me to find out how far her lie goes. But I’m gonna need help. I’m gonna need…a spy. Looks like our double date will have to wait, Skylar.

Boy, good thing Skylar and Karen have never met. Well, there was that one time when Skylar delivered us a pizza. But according to Skylar, they never made eye contact. Weird: I could have sworn Karen was standing in the room at the time. Hello, brain? Is this thing on?